Pathetic, Apathetic Cave

Where have I been?

What have I been up to?

I have no idea,

I also have no desire to figure it out.

Nothingness.

Apathy.

Everyday there are only glimpses of joy,

Overcome by the darkness of life.

Chaos,

Clutter,

Spontaneity,

Decisions,

Intense emotions of joy,

Or sorrow,

Welcome back my pathetic,

Apathetic,

Cave.

This cave is suffocating,

Strangulating,

and depressing.

I feel empty,

Numb,

And dead to the world.

As I look into the darkness,

I feel the sand of time,

Slipping through my hands.

I am unable to slow the sand,

Or make the sand stop.

So why fucking care?

I want to feel whole again.

I was given a second chance,

But… why?

Why was I the one dealt the hand of life?

I only am certain of one thing,

It would have been easier to welcome death,

Than to usher in a life of nothingness.

I feel a split second of rage.

I want to run out of this cave,

I want to say fuck this,

Life is meaningful,

Life is beautiful,

Life is grand.

My personal monologue

Validates the darkness,

And the brightness.

My thoughts are polarized.

My mind cannot give me a clear answer.

So fuck it.

Fuck trying.

I am not going to make a decision.

I’m going to sit here in the sand,

And wait until I become bones.

I understand I can control my emotions,

I just feel like it is not worth it.

Every high I have seen,

Is followed by the lowest valley.

My feet have been kicked out below me,

Too many times.

Apathy swallows you whole,

Drowns you in a glass cage,

With a mirror in front.

I see no way out,

I kick and punch the glass.

It will not shatter.

My hands unbruised,

Uncut,

But trembling.

I scream and no one can hear me.

I look at my reflection.

Why should my last possible reflection of myself,

Be screaming,

Seeing my breath create air bubbles,

In the deep abyss surrounding me,

When it can be calm?

Numb.

Apathetic.

I accept the darkness,

For a brief moment.

I do not drown.

The water rushes out of the glass cage,

I find myself back in the sand of time,

The sand is starting to amount to something.

Fuck.

Too much time has passed.

Stress is overcoming the numbness,

How long have I been in my cave?

Has anyone noticed?

I am holding myself back,

I tell myself to regain your strength,

Deep breath,

You can do this.

I sneak out from my cave of suffocation,

Out from my mountain of soft blankets,

Layered to feel heavy,

In my dark room,

In an attempt to welcome in the light.

I look at my phone.

Missed calls.

Missed texts.

Unread notifications.

Unread emails.

Stress.

I have been a horrible,

Unreliable,

Friend.

Or shall I say,

Shell of an old friend.

I fucked up.

Apathy,

Now turns into avoidance.

Why cause confrontation?

I do not care to hear good or bad ideas.

“It is okay,

I know how hard it must be for you.”

“I know you are going through a lot,

It just is hurtful things have changed.”

Fuck this.

I know I have changed since my surgery.

My trauma.

Everyone is supposed to change.

Right?

My avoidance makes me want to,

Stand on my own,

Stay strong alone,

Instead of losing those around me,

By being a disappointment,

Since some days my joy is faded,

When it used to shine bright daily.

These intense emotions,

Cause me to forget more,

And have difficulty recalling familiar information.

When I finally drag myself out of my cave,

I feel joy.

It is just hard to get out of the dark,

Pathetic,

Apathetic cave.

I know I am doing better.

I want to shake this.

However this dark,

Pathetic,

Apathetic cave,

Tricks me into believing that,

Feeling nothing,

Is better than feeling anything at all.

Be bold.

#bebold #beccasjourney #meningiomaawareness #mentalhealth #apathy