Last Night

5 days ago I was told I had a tumor.

What happened over the last 4 days?

I have no fucking idea,

No other word can describe the last four days,

No word other than chaos.

Pure chaos.

Running around with my MRI disc.

Filling out paperwork.

Demanding appointments.

My brother coming back home,

Driving me to city hospitals,

Family and friends reaching out,

Happy but also stressful at the same time,

Do they think I’m going to die?

God, this sucks.

This fucking sucks.

Do I throw the towel in?

I’ve already had a neurosurgeon turn me down,

Since I am a complex case.

He then referred me to Jefferson,

Who was not willing to see me in person,

Just recommend surgery with him ASAP.

The only saving grace this week,

Was a call I received at 11pm,

On Tuesday,

October 27th, 2020.

I answer the phone,

Hello?

“I apologize for calling so late.

This is Dr.Binning.“

Oh my god, why is she calling this late?

“I do not mean to scare you, but I need to see you immediately,

I just reviewed your MRI,

Can you come in Thursday at 3pm?”

Yes.

Yes I say,

Thank God,

A surgeon who will see me in person.

Crying,

The first cry of relief I have had since Tuesday.

The rest of the night I spent staring,

Staring at my ceiling fan spinning,

I find it turning slow,

In comparison to my brain in overdrive.

Wednesday comes and goes.

Thursday I go to Crozer with my mom,

Bruce on the phone.

I honestly cannot tell you how we found her office.

Numb.

I remember sitting down,

Talking to her and immediately feeling comfortable.

If I was going to let one individual,

One professional saw my skull,

My fucking skull open,

It was going to be this doctor.

She didn’t know if it was a meningioma,

Or a blood based tumor at this point,

So her and Dr. Leibman,

Two neurosurgeons would be preforming my surgery.

Main worries were that,

I could go blind in my right eye,

And I could bleed out since I am anemic.

Take my eye I say,

If you must,

That is the least of my worries.

Of course I have the universal blood type,

I find myself thinking.

Fuck.

They have a few bags right?

I went with my gut.

I knew I had to move forward,

I said,

Let’s do this.

She gave me two options.

Option one,

Go to the emergency department,

Have them admit you due to the tinnitus and headache,

And I can do the surgery tomorrow.

Option two,

You have the surgery at 7 AM,

Monday morning.

She says,

I normally only do surgeries on Thursdays and Fridays,

However,

Yours is too unstable to wait.

I blankly stared.

Oh my god.

I thought right then and there,

In her office,

I was going to drop dead from anxiety.

My heart rate was tripled,

I thought my heart was going to beat through my chest.

I am sweating.

My hands are trembling.

I think I am going to vomit.

This is real.

Like real, real.

I have no tears left to cry.

I finally look up at her.

I blurted out,

What do you recommend?

If you are ready,

Let’s do this.

If you are someone who likes to be prepared,

Like pack a bag for your hospital stay,

Let’s do Monday.

I said,

Monday.

My hands are trembling,

I wipe the sweat off my face,

And take a deep breath.

No turning back now.

Chaos consumes me,

Again.

Running back for preop at the hospital.

Packing a bag for a few days in ICU.

Obtaining a Power of Attorney,

Covering my election volunteer work on Tuesday,

Getting my finances in order,

Just in case.

I considered writing goodbye letters,

I stopped myself at the thought.

That would be throwing up my white flag,

Accepting my death.

Flowers and gifts start coming.

My room fills,

My living room fills,

My house looks like a green house.

Everyone is thinking of me,

I love them and their support.

It still does not calm me.

Prepped my house for my return home.

I just spent time at home,

With my family.

Sunday rolls around,

My new chapter starts tomorrow,

The last night.

We ordered my favorite restaurant for dinner,

I watched the Eagles play Dallas,

Thank god they won.

No Philadelphian fan likes the day after a loss,

Especially to Dallas.

I go to bed.

Staring at the fan,

Spinning slowly.

I revisit my last 25 years on this Earth,

Did I make an impact?

Did I make a difference?

Did I accomplish enough?

Was I proud of myself?

If I get another chance at life,

What will I do first?

Waiting for tomorrow,

Life through a new lens,

Or Death.

I think I am ready,

If I die tomorrow,

I took the brave way out.

Surgery.

The alternative,

Letting the tumor slowly take away my brain,

My most vital organ.

To numb to cry.

I stare at the only stillness I have left,

The spinning ceiling fan.

A year later.

I am here,

369 days from diagnosis.

Be bold.

#beccasjourney #meningiomaawareness #bebold #lifeaftercancer