Unbothered to Bothered

365 days ago,

I woke up at 5:30,

Brushed my teeth,

Washed my face,

Threw on black leggings,

My grey running shoes,

And a sweatshirt.

Moisturized my face,

took my earrings and necklace off.

One small thing was added to my morning.

A CT scan.

I was not worried,

It was ordered by my ENT 6 months ago.

Cancelled due to COVID-19,

Now rescheduled since I had tinnitus.

Still unbothered.

That had to be from hiking,

From the Catskills elevation,

Right?

I was happy it was scheduled for 10/27.

My ENT told me to schedule it on 10/26.

A day later in the COVID medical world…

Awesome!

I show up early,

They take me back promptly,

And ask for permission for a training tech,

A Radiation tech to perform the scan.

That’s fine.

They do my CT scan,

And send me out to the lobby,

To wait for my disc.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Then, a nurse runs out,

Hey Rebecca can you come back?

Sure I say,

Still unbothered.

I’m not questioning 5 people in the room.

They ask me to sit down.

Unbothered.

COVID protocol right?

It is a small room.

The radiation nurse says,

Wait for the doctor.

Unbothered.

He comes in and says eight words,

You have been admitted to the emergency room.

What I say?

Bothered.

He would not tell me why,

Until I fought back.

He said I want your primary to tell you.

It is now past 7AM.

I tell him to call him.

He left the phone on speaker,

My doctor says,

Are you fucking kidding me? Tell her now,

Tell her I will call her in 10 minutes.

Now I am staring at the doctor blank,

The questions in my head are rampant,

What is it?

What is going on?

Am I going to die?

Why can’t I go home?

Those 20 seconds seemed like 5 hours.

The radiation doctor then spits out,

You have a brain tumor,

And it’s a massive one.

Do not worry though,

It’s not in your brain yet.

Bothered

I become numb.

I don’t know whether to be mad,

Upset,

Hysterically crying,

Or hopeless.

Bothered.

I have no cell service.

I hop on WiFi and send three texts,

One to my mom,

One to my boyfriend,

One to my boss.

All saying I’m calling you from a random number,

Please answer.

There is no way I am texting the words,

“I have a brain tumor”.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

First person I call is my boyfriend,

He says what do I do?

Do I go to work or do I come there?

Now I have to become unbothered.

Go to work,

It’s COVID,

You are not allowed in.

He tells me I will be okay,

That he loves me and,

We will get through this together.

Then my Mom,

Who I am avoiding to call,

I do not want to shatter her heart.

I call her,

Tell her I have a brain tumor,

Not to worry,

And to bring a phone charger.

I could feel her heart drop through the phone.

Mom I will be okay.

I promise.

She tells me she loves me,

And no one will tell her she cannot see me.

I call my boss,

Who is my friend,

And tell her I am out indefinitely.

No words at first other than,

Do not worry about work,

Your health comes first,

Keep me posted,

I am here.

Wow.

Is this real?

Am I still asleep?

I look down at my hands,

They are trembling.

Bothered.

I look up at the workers in the room.

I say,

I am going to go get some things out of my car,

I’ll walk into the ER myself.

They say no,

You are no longer allowed to walk.

I said,

What the fuck?

I drove and walked in here,

No.

I asked why,

They said it’s too dangerous,

You could have a stroke,

A seizure,

Or pass out.

Fuck.

This is serious.

This is real.

Bothered.

I get wheeled down to the ER.

What is next?

I am in the bathroom,

In a gown,

With a urine cup in my hand.

This is the first time I have seen myself.

Seen Becca with a brain tumor.

My eyes are bloodshot.

I look hopeless.

I am still calling a few people from the bathroom.

Fuck this is it.

Can I even pee right now?

Nope.

I cannot even think straight.

I go back to my room.

Why do they need pee anyway?

We see the issue.

Now comes the lab techs,

Test tubes filling with blood,

Asking me questions for insurance,

Rushing around.

Rushing around,

Between me and COVID patients.

This fucking sucks.

Now I’m waiting for an MRI.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

They ask me,

What music do you want to hear?

I asked myself,

What, right now, would be the last band,

The last band you want to hear alive?

I say Fleetwood Mac.

The under 30 radiation tech never heard of them.

But I got them on.

When the world is chaos around me,

When the MRI machine is banging,

When I do not know what to expect,

I just tried to focus on the music,

The music that brings me joy.

I go back to my room,

Get my MRI disc,

And I am discharged.

Discharged with a goal,

Two goals.

Goal one,

Find a neurosurgeon.

Goal two,

Survive.

This was it.

The mission started then and there.

Numb and unbothered.

Gram & Pops I visited,

Praying they’d have the answers.

That was day one.

Today is day 366.

Be bold.

#beccasjourney #meningiomaawareness #braintumor #cancer #lifeaftercancer