Living with a Brain Injury

It is one step forward and two steps back.

Each day starts with a handful of medications. Some to ease the mania and depression, others to help mitigate migraines and stimulate the brain.

Intermittent waves is what my frontal lobe shows in testing.

This causes apathy, mood swings, lack of executive functioning and difficulty with memorization and focus.

More medications. More diagnosises.

More therapy. Both emotional and cognitive.

Work continuing to get delayed.

I stare at myself in the mirror.

Who am I?

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

The world used to look a lot brighter.

Now my eyes cry bleakness.

I used to find the gold in my hazel eyes. Now all I see is the grey.

My face is not symmetrical anymore.

I have hills and valleys where my skull was sawed open.

My face looks a little chubbier due to the excessive steroid use.

I try my best to be myself, how I used to be, but the world seems foggy now.

I sleep all of the time.

I am told it will get better in time.

However it’s hard to always put a front on.

Some days these feelings fade and I am happy.

I enjoy life.

I ground myself.

I feel like I can hold the sand in my hands again without it slipping through my fingers.

I do things as normal.

But quickly the energy fades again.

I try to fight it but I cannot.

I face the tiredness.

The foggy ness.

The apathy.

I used to never feel content in my own space.

I loved to be surrounded by my friends.

By nature.

Doing activities.

However, I now find content in being alone.

I do not want to give off negative energy.

I’d rather be alone.

I grasp onto the hope that it will all get better.

Hope.

#braininjury #meningioma #meningiomaawareness #beccasjourney #bebold