Recovery is Hard

Hello all,

I want to thank you all for still following my journey as it has been occurring for months at this point. I appreciate all of the thoughts, prayers, reaching out, and patience from those closest to me.

My MRI as most of you saw was clear, however I still have numerous hoops to go through until I am fully healed and recovered.

Post radiation I have extreme, medically diagnosed fatigue and short term memory loss. It will come back sooner than later the memory and I will hopefully be up for hours at a time again. But with this, I still cannot work and do the things I want.

I have been trying to be fully involved in everything I was, and I am falling short. I am someone who always kept my word but now I sadly forget or fall asleep before a task can be completed. I wish I could just snap back and be “me”.

However, I need to learn patience with myself as I am my hardest critic. I have seen the cycle of insomnia, fatigue, insomnia and now extreme fatigue again. I am learning new boundaries with myself and the world around me.

Prior to this medical journey, I was non stop. I was working long hours, spending hours on school work, experiencing life with my friends, and involved in numerous organizations. It now kills me to be taking a back seat to the point I am in therapy.

I have even had to take my time submitting school assignments – this is something now I should have still taken more time off but it is too late now. I will even fall asleep with my computer on my lap.

It is so disheartening waking up and realizing I missed events, I missed friends, I missed family and I missed opportunities.

We are trained to think relaxation is negative and we must always be running around in order to be productive. However, that’s how we burn out. I was on the brink of burning out – now I’m on the brink of burning out because I feel as if I am not contributing to society any longer.

We need to learn that in order to take care of others, we also need to take care of ourselves. This is not selfish even though I thought before it was.

I was lucky to be given a second lease of life. However, as my neurosurgeon told me yesterday, I cannot rush. This is all normal. I cannot try to act like I am okay when I am not. I must accept that.

There is no amount of coffee or espresso to keep me awake for long periods. She told me she did the surgery to give me no limitations on life once I’m healed. However, for now I have to take a back seat.

She said I will be able to go hiking up mountains, zip lining, running, remember everything and this surgery and journey will be a distant memory hopefully when I’m in my eighties.

Life rushes by us. That is why we must take every day for granted. Even if that day consists of healing, sleeping and listening to audiobooks. We are still being “productive” if we accept our reality and our needs.

Be Bold.

#bebold #beccasjourney #meningioma