Correlation between Numbness & Peace

Numb is an adjective. Per Webster dictionary numb has two definitions:

1: “unable to feel anything in a particular part of your body”

2: “unable to think, feel, or react normally because of something that shocks or upsets you”

I am currently numb in both senses of the word.

Due to my craniotomy, my neurosurgeon had to cut through all of my facial muscles on the right side of my face. I have slowly gained movement back but the numbness is still there.

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You could touch the right side of my face and I would not feel it. I feel as if my scalp has an itch, however when I scratch I cannot feel it.

When I feel fatigued, I can feel my right eye blinking and my eye lashes hit my cheek. I have never felt this sensation in my life before.

The numbness to me is healing. No one prepared me for the numbness to turn into pins and needles.

I do not take Tylenol around the clock for this or my headaches. I would rather at times feel pain than feel nothing at all. Until I lose movement in my face then I resort to Tylenol.

It is extraordinary how the human body adapts to traumatic events. I feel as if lack of pain is peaceful. I was in so much pain after surgery and the numbness can be comforting. As well as the minimal pain.

It means I am alive.

Recently I’ve heard the following statements:

You cannot bring anyone to your appointments with you due to COVID-19.

Your tumor was malignant.

That means you have cancer.

We are running our own pathology report now to see if your tumor is still a meningioma.

We recommend you for Proton therapy, most insurances deny it since it is more expensive.

Your radiation will be at least 33-40 appointments. 5 days a week due to regeneration.

Your MRI now also shows a tumor in your parotid gland. Go see your ENT.

You may be starting to restrict blood flow in your brain. We will be checking this often.

You need ultrasounds done of your neck and we need to re-examine the lump we found in your breast in March.

Numbness creeped on me during these statements. I learned to roll with these statements and just take each one as it came in. I need to always be in the right frame of mind as I am alone in these appointments.

I think of the ocean when I hear bad news. I know they will roll in, but eventually they will rollout back to sea. There is peace at the beach, therefore I need to find the peace within myself.

With bad news comes good news. I still am numb at times depending on when I heard the negative statements in conjuncture with the good ones.

These are the positive statements I heard recently:

You are able to get all of your testing and radiation here at HUP – the Univeristy of Penn

Great news, your insurance covered proton therapy. There are less side effects for proton therapy compared to linac.

We are able to do all of our testing on the 22nd (this was told to me on the 18th at my appointment). Be prepared for a 5 hour appointment.

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You were a champ for handling two and a half hours in the mask with your eyes shut and in the MRI and CT machines. The mask is now ready for radiation.

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As soon as the results are in regarding your radiation it will start as soon as possible.

You are lucky this was caught when it was.

I really like how your on top of your own health.

I love your hair, you know the hair on your right side won’t grow back to probably a year or more with the radiation. (This made me excited to continue to shave my hair)

Each night I reflect on mental and physical numbness, along with peace. I know I was numb when I heard the above statements but I have digested them. That is why I have not posted recently. I need to internalize what I am going through sometimes before I share.

I’ve learned that that is okay and my way of coping per my therapist. It is okay to not be okay at times.

Everyone handles things differently. I react to the news differently from my family even. I’ve learned to be numb and to roll with the punches.

I must always find inner peace within and around because if not I will become insane.

Be bold.

#beccasjourney #meningioma #bebold #meningiomawarrior