Insomnia

Today was the worst day for me. Healing is not linear.

The medication has made me an insomniac. I cannot sleep and I need it. I mean constantly awake. I am weak. I am restless. I’m mean. My body is shaking.

I sweat through numerous outfits a day. I am crying. I have acne that I’ve never had. I have moon face from the medications. I can have seizures at any time. My body is trying to get used to its new normal.

I cannot shower alone. I cannot be left alone. My hair is falling out. I am seeing a therapist due to PTSD and survivor’s guilt.

Why me.

I still am trying to comprehend everything. Along with my family and friends. I had to see photos of the tumor to believe it.

I used to be independent. Now I cannot be alone. My life did a full 180.

My father himself overcame cancer twice. Along with radiation.

Radiation is the next step for me per the pathology report today. Radiation.

I am absolutely terrified. I don’t know the treatment plan yet. I knew this day was coming.

Meningiomas are rare but benign. There are two types.

Type one that doesn’t grow back. Type two that are aggressive and have a high chance to grow back.

I had a type two meningioma. 98 percent was removed during the craniotomy.

I should have went blind in my right eye. The tumor wasn’t even a CM away. I could have woke up paralyzed. I could have needed a blood transfusion. I did not.

This is my second lease.

I had no symptoms of a brain tumor other than migraines that went away once I was put on anxiety medicine in June.

I had ringing in my left ear three weeks prior to the diagnosis. This was not a big shock with how many middle ear infections and sinus infections I get. I had less of them once my tonsils and adenoids were removed in 2016.

My doctors were shocked. They are doing a case study on me. They are shocked I didn’t wake up blind one day, have seizures or worse, dead.

My family shocked. Me stunned and terrified. I do not believe it. If you told me this was all a nightmare I’d believe it.

I was just going in for a CT of my sinuses to see why I kept getting middle ear infections. Next thing I know by 8 AM I’m admitted to the emergency room, alone, phone dying thinking it was just a normal Tuesday.

I’m told I cannot walk as I’m a ticking bomb. I hear my primary tell the radiologist, you’re fucking joking right?

I knew this day was coming. I prepared myself.

Meningiomas are typically found in 60-80 year olds. Not 25 year olds.

My tumor was 7.8 CM. They are typically no more than 3 CM. My tumor was vascular.

I self reflect.

2020 was going to be my year. I became more environmentally friendly, lost 65 pounds, became minimalistic and started hiking. I am only 2 classes away from completing my MBA. I got a promotion at work.

I graduated Emerge. I am the secretary of Aston Democrats. I am the secretary of Delaware County Women’s Democratic Club. I’m a committee person of Delaware County Democratic Party. I am the delegate captain of district five in PA for our President Elect Joe Biden.

I knew about my tumor when I was interviewed on Fox 29. I worked so hard over the last 4 years to see Trump out of office.

I cried on the day of my surgery knowing I wasn’t going to be there on Election Day seeing all the work go into action. I cried knowing I may not see it.

I cried today when the Biden campaign reached out to me asking if I could do another team Biden talk. I still haven’t responded.

However, I am healing. I am thankful. I am blessed for my support system. I am happy for all of my family and friends who are there to pick me up when I need it the most.

I am so thankful for Bruce, my parents, Lori, Bruce, Lee, Jocelyn and Robert. My nuclear family.

They have been there for me every step of the way. The ugly. The happy. The doctors visits. The surgery. The ongoing recovery.

I will continue to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. My parents got me one of my favorite childhood meals with Kristina Slatten to make sure I’m staying positive.

Be the change.