Author: Becca DiValerio
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Alarming
November 2nd, 2020 An hour and a half from surgery 5:00AM, My alarm starts beeping on my phone. I roll over to silence it. There was no sleep to be have. I sit in bed, With my blanket around my shoulders, Attempting to comfort myself. Surrounded by hundreds of flowers. Overwhelming support, Hundreds of prayers,…
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Suspiciously July
I find my mind pacing, Back and forth, Between my MRI results, And any other thing possible. What will they be today? I am sweating through my clothes, Not from the July heat, But from the rapid circulation, Within my body. I do this every time. Between the MRI and my appointment, There is an…
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Scanxiety
My thoughts are running rampant, Jumping from one negative possibility, To a possible, Devastating reality, In a never ending, Cyclic void. Ruminating, Over the negative, Possible realities. Blind and avoidant, Of all positive outcomes. I cannot find calmness, In my damaged brain, That is rewired, And short circuited, As I will know the results soon,…
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Darkest Hours
In the darkest hours, Depression transpires. Dread overpowers, The silence grows louder, My mood turns sour. I used to feel empowered, When did I become a coward? In my darkest hours, I do not desire, To be defined as inspired, When I wish to expire. I seek my God given power, Resilience in encounters, That…
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Pathetic, Apathetic Cave
Where have I been? What have I been up to? I have no idea, I also have no desire to figure it out. Nothingness. Apathy. Everyday there are only glimpses of joy, Overcome by the darkness of life. Chaos, Clutter, Spontaneity, Decisions, Intense emotions of joy, Or sorrow, Welcome back my pathetic, Apathetic, Cave. This…
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Last Night
5 days ago I was told I had a tumor. What happened over the last 4 days? I have no fucking idea, No other word can describe the last four days, No word other than chaos. Pure chaos. Running around with my MRI disc. Filling out paperwork. Demanding appointments. My brother coming back home, Driving…
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Unbothered to Bothered
365 days ago, I woke up at 5:30, Brushed my teeth, Washed my face, Threw on black leggings, My grey running shoes, And a sweatshirt. Moisturized my face, took my earrings and necklace off. One small thing was added to my morning. A CT scan. I was not worried, It was ordered by my ENT…
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Growth
We are constantly evolving. Sometimes it feels slow. Other times it feels rapid. Over the last 11 months, I feel as if I’m just a shell, A shell of who I once was. This is necessarily good or bad, I just think myself a year ago, Would see a stark difference, Between me then and…
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New Norm
I am still discovering my new norm. Back to work. Back to some sort of normalcy. However nothing is “normal”. I cannot drive. I am still dependent. I cannot be without mind fogging medications. My wings of freedom cut. Brain struggling to grasp what it used to do. Yes, I’m loving being back to work.…
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Own Enemy
Self loathing is when you drown, In our own negative thoughts, And there is no way out. You are ugly. You have gained weight. You are unintelligent. You are unworthy. Self deprecation is occurring and you want it to end. Try some mediation. Try three deep breaths. Try snapping out of it. You know this…
Becca’s Meningioma 2 Journey 