Alarming

November 2nd, 2020

An hour and a half from surgery

5:00AM,

My alarm starts beeping on my phone.

I roll over to silence it.

There was no sleep to be have.

I sit in bed,

With my blanket around my shoulders,

Attempting to comfort myself.

Surrounded by hundreds of flowers.

Overwhelming support,

Hundreds of prayers,

Yet, I feel nothing.

It is not a void,

It is numbness.

Numbness so deep,

It feels as if it is just me,

Alone in an infinite black hole,

With no end,

No light at the end of the tunnel,

Vastness and bleakness.

If I scream out,

There are no return echoes,

No response.

Just me.

No joy,

No sadness,

No worries,

Nothing.

If I reach out,

I do not hit a wall,

I do not feel any sensation of touch,

Just emptiness.

My feet do not hurt,

I am just walking this endless void,

Alone.

Everything is black,

No grey,

No white,

No color.

I do not feel cold,

Or hot,

I am just here.

The pit in my stomach feels to be sucking my personality,

Hopes,

Dreams,

And aspirations,

To nothing.

Outside,

It is foggy,

Drizzling,

And cool.

More than what I currently feel.

I feel like a stranger in my own body.

This tumor occupies more than space,

It occupies what makes me, me.

So removed from myself,

Yet,

So close.

I cannot escape this reality,

I must face it,

Head on.

I would rather die trying,

Then to not try to win this mental battle at all.

I am the only one in my head,

I must speak my future into existence.

Everything will be okay,

I’ll wake up later,

Earthside.