In my head I see fog.
I am walking around in a never ending abyss.
Staring down at my shoes,
Making sure I do not fall.
All while making sure I do not look up.
I struggle to find the right words,
Recalling memories,
Making the right choice,
Interpreting people’s emotions by written words.
I am looking for the Becca I thought I knew.
The Becca before the trauma,
Before the tumor,
Before the radiation,
Before the brain injury,
Before the apathy.
Some days I feel as if I’m in a ditch.
12 feet deep and I just sit down.
I feel numbness.
I do not care to move,
To find a way out.
I just accept it and sit in the mud.
Before, I was a leader and a change maker.
Am I still now?
I know I will never become a follower.
Is there an in between?
I try all of the self care remedies.
To live my life like each day is new,
A clean slate.
However, it is like I am being pulled apart.
No book, face mask, or lotion will change this.
One direction into disparity.
The other into happiness.
Someone said to me the other day,
“It looks like you are living your best life”
That is a Façade.
People I thought cared,
Who checked on me a lot at first,
Have faded.
Friends do not understand my mind changed.
So I do not feel the need to express,
As it will look as if I am trying to find an excuse.
I am in the shell of my former self.
On the outside I am “Becca”.
On the inside I am not.
So how do I rediscover myself?
How do I find a passion?
I feel no strong pulls.
I find content now in being alone.
Before, I used to spread myself so thin.
I have more education.
More life experiences,
Than the Becca of 2020.
Who will I become?
Change is inevitable.
I am in my cocoon now.
What will I metamorphosis into?
Be bold.
#beccasjourney #bebold #braintumorwarrior
Becca’s Meningioma 2 Journey 
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